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Re: weathering through...

Posted By: MACK!
Date: THU, 9/27/01, 7:36 a.m.

In Response To: weathering through... (maxonestar)

Hey Robert,

I have a pretty good idea what you are going through. I won't go into too many details about it, but Anh's parents always planned for her to be with a guy who was an engineer, Vietnamese, and Catholic. Of course I am none of these three things. But I get the sense that they sort of come to terms with it on their own over a period of time. I figure it is best not to get into that stuff until they have time to work it out on their own first. Depending on the circumstance it may take years for them to settle into it on there own, so I decided from the beginning not to be confrontational about anything like that. And not to take it personally, because it has nothing to do with you as a person.

I've seen this sort of experience through several perspectives. You may know that Rick Mays is black, and sometimes people from another culture will say things to him that should be insulting without them really meaning it to be. One time a Japanese woman on a plane was like "Wow, you're black. So you can dance real good, right?"
And he heard all kinds of other things that seemed like they should be obviously disturbing remarks, but people were stating them in complete seriousness.

And of course he was pretty concerned about being accepted by Tomomi's family.

My view is that you want to keep the focus on the relationship between the two of you, and anyone else is welcome to accept it whenever they are ready to. That's been working for me so far. I find that over time they are able to work it out for themselves. But you don't want to worry about it, be confrontational about it, or take it offensively. You just let them evolve on their own cycle.

: You know, this isn't the sort of thing that effects
: anyone who posts here but me, so if you don't care to
: read it, that's fine. I'm having sort of a problem at
: home. David you probably remember me and my girlfriend
: from Detroit and Chicago this summer, I'd like to say
: thanks for everything. Well, Lin and I have been
: dating for a little under three years. We recently
: movved in together and everything between us is fine,
: however her parents are from Taiwan and for many, many
: reasons they have a problem with us seeing each other.
: Her mother won't talk to her(she's very christian),
: and lives with the terror that her daughter is going
: to spend eternity in hell. I suppose it's obvious that
: she doesn't speak to me. Her father, a wonderful man
: who I've met on a few ocassions, mainly seems to have
: problems with the fact that I'm black. He recently
: sent me a e-mail saying that "since we've been in
: America, I've had an opportunity to meet many white
: people, but no blacks. You can see why it's hard for
: us to accept you as our daughters chosen on".
: Pretty painful stuff. I hope it doesn't tear at our
: relationship. At any rate, I just wanted to rant about
: it for a minute or two, thanks for listening.

: Robert

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