View previous topic :: View next topic |
Author |
Message |
Brendan Senior Member

Joined: 15 Aug 2003 Posts: 1209
|
Posted: Aug 10, 2004 10:26 pm Post subject: Re: Just finished reading the DaVinci Code... |
|
|
From: http://www.miami.com/mld/miamiherald/living/columnists/dave_barry/9018213.htm?1c
Posted on Sun, Jun. 27, 2004
[size=18`The DaVinci Code,' cracked[/size]
DAVE BARRY
I have written a blockbuster novel. My inspiration was The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown, which has sold 253 trillion copies in hardcover because it's such a compelling page-turner. NOBODY can put this book down:
MOTHER ON BEACH: Help! My child is being attacked by a shark!
LIFEGUARD (looking up from The DaVinci Code: Not now! I just got to page 243, where it turns out that one of the men depicted in ''The Last Supper'' is actually a woman!
MOTHER: I know! Isn't that incredible? And it turns out that she's . . .
SHARK (spitting out the child): Don't give it away! I'm only on page 187!
The key to The DaVinci Code is that it's filled with startling plot twists, and almost every chapter ends with a ''cliffhanger,'' so you have to keep reading to see what will happen. Using this formula, I wrote the following blockbuster novel, titled The Constitution Conundrum. It's fairly short now, but when I get a huge publishing contract, I'll flesh it out to 100,000 words by adding sentences.
CHAPTER ONE: Handsome yet unmarried historian Hugh Heckman stood in the National Archives Building in Washington, D.C., squinting through the bulletproof glass at the U.S. Constitution. Suddenly, he made an amazing discovery.
''My God!'' he said, out loud. ``This is incredible! Soon I will say what it is.''
CHAPTER TWO: ''What is it?'' said a woman Heckman had never seen before who happened to be standing next to him. She was extremely beautiful, but wore glasses as a sign of intelligence.
''My name is Desiree Legume,'' she said.
Heckman felt he could trust her.
''Look at this!'' he said, pointing to the Constitution.
''My God, that's incredible!'' said Desiree. ``It's going to be very surprising when we finally reveal what we're talking about!''
CHAPTER THREE: ''Yes,'' said Hugh, ``incredible as it seems, there are extra words written in the margin of the U.S. Constitution, and nobody ever noticed them until now! They appear to be in some kind of code.''
''Let me look,'' said Desiree. ``In addition to being gorgeous, I am a trained codebreaker. Oh my God!''
''What is it?'' asked Hugh in an excited yet concerned tone of voice. ''The message,'' said Desiree, ``is . . . ''
But just then, the chapter ended.
CHAPTER FOUR: ''It's a fiendishly clever code,'' explained Desiree. 'As you can see, the words say: `White House White House Bo Bite House, Banana Fana Fo Fite House, Fe Fi Mo Mite House, White House.' ''
''Yes,'' said Hugh, frowning in bafflement. ``But what can it possibly mean?''
''If I am correct,'' said Desiree, ``it is referring to . . . the White House!''
''My God!'' said Hugh. ``That's where the president lives! Do you think . . . ''
''Do I think what?'' said Desiree.
''I don't know,'' said Hugh. ``But we're about to find out.''
CHAPTER FIVE: Hugh and Desiree crouched in some bushes next to the Oval Office.
''We'd better hurry up and solve this mystery,'' remarked Desiree anxiously. ''It's only a matter of time before somebody notices that the Constitution is missing.'' She had slipped it into her purse at the National Archives while the guard wasn't looking.
''The answer must be here somewhere,'' said Hugh, studying the ancient document, which was brown from age and the fact that he had spilled Diet Peach Snapple on it.
''Wait a minute!'' he said. ``I've got it!''
''What?'' said Desiree, her breasts heaving into view.
''The answer!'' said Hugh. ``It's . . .
But just then, shots rang out.
CHAPTER SIX: ''That was close!'' remarked Desiree. ``Fortunately, those shots had nothing to do with the plot of this book.''
''Yes,'' said Hugh. ``Anyway, as I was saying, the answer is to hold the Constitution up so that it is aligned with the White House and the Washington Monument. . . . There, do you see what I mean?''
''My God!'' said Desiree, seeing what he meant. ``It's . . . ''
''Hold it right there,'' said the president of the United States.
CHAPTER SEVEN: '' . . . and so you see,'' concluded the president, ``you two uncovered a shocking and fascinating secret that, if it should ever get out, could change the course of history.''
''Mr. President,'' said Desiree, ``thank you for that riveting and satisfying explanation, which will be fleshed out into much greater detail once there is a publishing contract.''
''Also,'' noted Hugh, ``we may use some beverage other than Snapple, depending on what kind of product-placement deals can be worked out.''
''Good,'' said the president. ``Now can I have the Constitution back?''
They all enjoyed a hearty laugh, for they knew that the movie rights were also available. |
|
Back to top |
|
 |
TIP Addict

Joined: 11 Aug 2003 Posts: 5876 Location: Twin Towns
|
Posted: Aug 10, 2004 10:31 pm Post subject: Re: Just finished reading the DaVinci Code... |
|
|
WeepingGorilla wrote: | I read the first 100 pages, but I had trouble getting into it. I thought it was a bit generic and predictable (superheroic brilliant handsome scholar meets beautiful French lady, will they fall in love??? - oh! and watch for that tough close-minded French cop and the evil priest with his superstrong deformed henchman - most comics are more believable than that tripe). Plus, the prose was flat as flat gets.
I heard it gets better, but I just decided it wasn't worth it. |
I agree.
My brother-in-law gave me his copy and insisted that I'd enjoy it...after a couple of chapters of the, as you put it, "flat prose" (great way to describe it...it surely was), I stopped. Couldn't get past it.
No X-mas present for my B-in-law after that suggestion.
T
 _________________ More TIP can be perused at:
www.tiptonepresents.blogspot.com
www.whaletime.net |
|
Back to top |
|
 |
J. R. Scherer Enthusiast

Joined: 30 Jun 2004 Posts: 874 Location: Des Moines, IA
|
Posted: Aug 10, 2004 10:49 pm Post subject: Re: Just finished reading the DaVinci Code... |
|
|
WeepingGorilla wrote: | I read the first 100 pages, but I had trouble getting into it. I thought it was a bit generic and predictable (superheroic brilliant handsome scholar meets beautiful French lady, will they fall in love??? - oh! and watch for that tough close-minded French cop and the evil priest with his superstrong deformed henchman. |
You just sold me on it. _________________ -- J. R.
Quote: | It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. |
Xbox Live Gamer Tag: Sexy Dolphin |
|
Back to top |
|
 |
MACK! Enthusiast
Joined: 27 Sep 2003 Posts: 721
|
Posted: Aug 11, 2004 12:20 am Post subject: Re: Just finished reading the DaVinci Code... |
|
|
MattJohnson wrote: | Did you know there's a code on the dust jacket? I don't remember what it said, but I remember being very proud of myself when I discovered that. Certain letters are darker, and when read in order they spell something. It was about a widow's son, something like that. |
Based on what you said, the widow's son is part of a Masonic code. |
|
Back to top |
|
 |
hayeshenderson Junior Member
Joined: 31 Oct 2003 Posts: 310
|
Posted: Aug 11, 2004 12:38 am Post subject: Re: Just finished reading the DaVinci Code... |
|
|
DQuintessa wrote: | That book is a hype. I am never gonna read it. |
I never understand people who don't read things just because a lot of other people do. It's like they want to be special for NOT doing something. Why not instead read it and then be able to make a rational critique, or just say 'it doesn't interest me'.
By the way, I thought the information in the book was fantastically interesting, and the character interaction and dialogue awful. But the info was so good that I didn't mind. _________________ Check out advanced reviews written by yours truly at:
www.fanboyreview.com |
|
Back to top |
|
 |
Need_A_Beer Addict

Joined: 11 Aug 2003 Posts: 7916 Location: Manly, Sydney
|
Posted: Aug 11, 2004 12:40 am Post subject: Re: Just finished reading the DaVinci Code... |
|
|
Mark wrote: | I HATE THE DA VINCI CODE! |
Amen brother. _________________ A grope a day keeps impotence away
Visit My Blog
www.pregnantbob.com/blog
 |
|
Back to top |
|
 |
MattJohnson Senior Member

Joined: 11 Aug 2003 Posts: 1403 Location: Wayne bane-of-my-existence, Michigan
|
Posted: Aug 11, 2004 1:19 am Post subject: Re: Just finished reading the DaVinci Code... |
|
|
MACK! wrote: | MattJohnson wrote: | Did you know there's a code on the dust jacket? I don't remember what it said, but I remember being very proud of myself when I discovered that. Certain letters are darker, and when read in order they spell something. It was about a widow's son, something like that. |
Based on what you said, the widow's son is part of a Masonic code. |
I just checked my sister's copy, and the whole code is "istherenohelpforthewidowsson" (Is there no help for the widow's son?). I have no idea if that means anything. |
|
Back to top |
|
 |
LordKinbote Senior Member
Joined: 14 Aug 2003 Posts: 2113
|
Posted: Aug 11, 2004 1:50 am Post subject: Re: Just finished reading the DaVinci Code... |
|
|
Flonk wrote: | It was OK, not as good as everybody was saying. I hated all the fake cliffhangers. |
Yes! Exactly! The cliffhangers wouldn't have been cliffhangers at all if they didn't pull away in the middle of conversations. It's like old Scooby Doo cartoons where the gang is trying to catch the ghoulie and they say "Okay, here's what we're going to do" and then they huddle together and go "Psst psst psst" and then you only find out what they were talking about when they actually implement their plan. Every god dang chapter in The Da Vinci code had something extremely similar, where the only real suspense lied in the fact that we didn't know what they were talking about.
Oh well. It was an okay summer read.
EDIT: It seems I'm the hundredth person to comment on the exact same thing. That's what I get for replying to one of the first posts without reading the rest. _________________ Visit my blog! http://kinbote.blogspot.com |
|
Back to top |
|
 |
DaReekstah Stranger
Joined: 28 Jul 2004 Posts: 12 Location: CLEVELAND
|
Posted: Aug 11, 2004 2:05 am Post subject: Re: Just finished reading the DaVinci Code... |
|
|
DQuintessa wrote: | Flonk wrote: | DQuintessa wrote: |
Yes but it was based off a comic book that at best 200,000 people read each month. Compare to half of america marking out over a book that's appeal doesn't jive with me. Do I really care if Jesus had a wife or not now? He did his job and I respect him for it. That's all I need from him. |
Is it more a religious thing with you? Cause that I could sort of understand. |
Not really. I just don't need some book shoving all these ideas down my throat. I hate books that preach and it seems like thats what this is doing. |
Read the book before you make ignorant comments about it.
THEN.. come back and make a rational critique on why you didn't like it.
I'm an atheist, and at first I didn't want anything to do with this book.. but I decided to pick it up and see what all the buzz was about. It's a good read. One of the best conspiracy/suspense books I've ever read.. _________________
 |
|
Back to top |
|
 |
koanashi Junior Member

Joined: 08 Mar 2004 Posts: 183
|
Posted: Aug 11, 2004 2:57 am Post subject: Re: Just finished reading the DaVinci Code... |
|
|
I just finished reading Angels & Demons. I picked the book up because I wanted to read it before Davinci code, and because it was a conspiracy book about the illuminati. Well, I nearly threw the damn thing away. Every chapter ended with a cliff hanger. The dialogue was horrible, every character seemed to be an expert about everything but the illuminati (except for the main character who knew nothing about anything except the illuminati.) And the idea that no one could create a certain ambigram was pretty ridiculous since they hired an artist to do one for the book. After about 350 pages of exposition the plot finally kicked in and from there it was a quick and fun read, but certainly not worth it. I was pretty let down. I will not be reading the Davinci code.
if anyone is interested in a great conspiracy book check out the Illuminatus Trilogy by Robert Anton Wilson. It's wacky and insane, and guaranteed to make you paranoid about everything. _________________
 |
|
Back to top |
|
 |
The Girl Senior Member

Joined: 03 Nov 2003 Posts: 1122 Location: well, i've almost made it into ben gibbard's pants. wish me luck.
|
Posted: Aug 11, 2004 3:03 am Post subject: Re: Just finished reading the DaVinci Code... |
|
|
DQuintessa wrote: | Flonk wrote: | DQuintessa wrote: | That book is a hype. I am never gonna read it. |
How so? |
Well it's continous stand on the best seller list, and the fact that because of that everyone and their grandmother has read it. It's gone past mainstream into it's own type of religion (yes I know it's based of Jesus life chill). Just not gonna do the hype. |
I just have to say that I think it's silly to not like something because it is popular. :D _________________
 |
|
Back to top |
|
 |
MACK! Enthusiast
Joined: 27 Sep 2003 Posts: 721
|
Posted: Aug 11, 2004 9:39 am Post subject: Re: Just finished reading the DaVinci Code... |
|
|
MattJohnson wrote: | MACK! wrote: | MattJohnson wrote: | Did you know there's a code on the dust jacket? I don't remember what it said, but I remember being very proud of myself when I discovered that. Certain letters are darker, and when read in order they spell something. It was about a widow's son, something like that. |
Based on what you said, the widow's son is part of a Masonic code. |
I just checked my sister's copy, and the whole code is "istherenohelpforthewidowsson" (Is there no help for the widow's son?). I have no idea if that means anything. |
Yes, it's a Masonic code.
Watch the Man Who Would Be King (the John Huston film based on Kiplings's book) for a cool movie that is structured on many Masonic iconography. They even say a variation of that in the film when one Mason is letting the other know he is a Mason so he will help a brother out.
For those of you who like the subject matter of this stuff, for just history and info, instead of plot, check out the book, "The Second Mesaiah".
And also The Rasputin File for more Eastern European history and mysticism. These books aren't meant to be entertaining thrillers. Just for data aquisition. |
|
Back to top |
|
 |
marioboon Senior Member

Joined: 11 Aug 2003 Posts: 1198 Location: B-E-L-G-I-U-M
|
Posted: Aug 11, 2004 10:02 am Post subject: Re: Just finished reading the DaVinci Code... |
|
|
MattJohnson wrote: |
I just checked my sister's copy, and the whole code is "istherenohelpforthewidowsson" (Is there no help for the widow's son?). I have no idea if that means anything. |
Read FROM HELL!
It's all a big Masonic code
I'm interested in these apocryphic stories and they are a big craze here in european comics.
The main point being the real jesus is buried in France together with his wife Mary Magdalene and that his twin brother died at the cross.
It's this secret that the Knights Templars kept until they were being wiped out by the French king Philip the Fair (under directions from the pope)
The remaining Knights fled to Scotland where they transformed theirselves to the Freemasons _________________ Learn some Flemish: go to www.pulpdeluxe.be
 |
|
Back to top |
|
 |
|
|
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
|
Powered by phpBB
|